When a couple comes to see me in the weeks after an affair has been discovered, there is usually one question sitting underneath everything else:
“Can we recover from this?”
The truthful answer is that there isn’t one answer that fits every couple. Every affair is different. It happens within a particular relationship, at a particular point in that relationship, and it can mean different things to different people.
What I can say from working with couples through this is that recovery is possible. Often, in those first few raw weeks, it can feel almost impossible to imagine. But many couples do find a way forward.
That doesn’t mean going back to how things were before. In many cases, it’s about understanding what happened, rebuilding trust and creating something different , often stronger, together.
What happens after an affair is discovered?
The period immediately after discovery can be incredibly destabilising, leading each individual to question what may have led to this.
For the betrayed partner, there can be shock, anger, anxiety and a constant need to make sense of what has happened. Sleep and appetite can be affected, and ordinary conversations can suddenly feel loaded. Things that seemed insignificant before can take on a completely different meaning. I have seen individuals raking over the past and suddenly questioning every text message, every photo on their phone, every bunch of flowers or gift received.
The partner who had the affair may be experiencing guilt, shame, fear and a strong desire to make everything better as quickly as possible. Sometimes that urgency can actually make things harder, particularly when the betrayed partner needs time and space to process what has happened.
Blame is also a very common factor, with both partners often blaming each other, or taking on an overload of responsibility themselves. For instance, believing this affair wouldn’t have happened if they had been a ‘better husband’ or had more sex.
As you can expect, this rollercoaster of emotions, often changing hourly, is a very disorientating time for both people.
It’s also why I would generally encourage couples not to feel they have to make immediate, permanent decisions about the future of their marriage while everything is still so raw. Before you can properly work out what you want, there often needs to be some time for the initial shock to settle.
Does a marriage survive an affair? What tends to make the difference
In my experience, the couples who are able to rebuild & survive tend to have several important things in common.
The partner who had the affair is prepared to take responsibility for what they have done, without minimising it or making the relationship or their partner responsible for their decision.
At the same time, both partners are eventually able to look honestly at what was happening in the relationship before the affair. That isn’t about excusing the affair, it’s about understanding the wider picture and working out what needs to change.
There also needs to be a willingness to be transparent while trust is being rebuilt. That can feel uncomfortable, but rebuilding trust usually requires a period of consistency and openness.
And perhaps most importantly, both people need to accept that rebuilding takes time.
Rebuilding trust after cheating takes longer than people want
Perhaps one of the hardest things for couples to hear is that there isn’t a shortcut to rebuilding trust.
It isn’t usually one big conversation, one apology or one grand gesture that makes the difference (although these things can help hugely!). Trust tends to come back through lots of small, consistent experiences over time which rebuild shared experiences and views.
I am often asked the million dollar question, “How long does it take to get back to normal after an affair?”
Unfortunately there is no set timeframe, because every couple is different! When couples are both committed to working on their relationship, rebuilding will nearly always take many months, and being totally honest, often a minimum of a year of regular therapy is needed. I believe that the aim isn’t simply to reach a point where the affair is no longer discussed but to get to a place where the relationship feels safe and steady again. This is the point where a connection and trust can start to grow.
For many couples, going back to the way it was, the ‘old normal’ isn’t possible or realistic. Instead, it’s about creating a new normal, where the relationship contains more honesty, better communication and a sense of increased gratitude for what could have been lost.
When couples therapy helps most
Couples therapy after an affair isn’t about me deciding whether you should stay together or separate. I couldn’t possibly decide that for you, even if I wanted to.
It’s about creating a neutral space where both people can be heard and where you can begin to understand what has happened without getting stuck in the same painful conversations and arguments over and over again.
We can look at the affair, but I find we also need to look at what was happening in the relationship before it, and what messages about relationships,fidelity and trust might have been absorbed from your families of origin. It will also be key to explore what each of you needs now, and what rebuilding trust would look like. Are you both willing to make the changes needed?
Sometimes couples come to therapy wanting to save their marriage. Sometimes they’re unsure whether they even want to stay together. You don’t have to have all of those answers before you begin. It’s just about being willing to listen to each other and start these conversations.
If you’re trying to work out whether your relationship can recover after an affair, having a confidential space with someone experienced in working with infidelity can help you make sense of what has happened and work out what comes next, without pressure and without judgement. Our team of experienced couples therapists would be happy to help.